I don’t want to go to the doctor.
I don’t want to do my PFTs.
I don’t want to know which bugs I’m currently growing.
I don’t want to explain how long I’ve been sick without calling my CF team.
I don’t want to deal with it.
I’d rather go smoke a bowl and maybe swim.
Why did I become compliant? Why did I start actually going to the doctors? I feel like I’ll never be content as long as I have to deal with this shit.
Fuck Cystic Fibrosis.
FACT OF THE DAY: president obama does not have a plan in case the fire nation attacks
plot twist: it’s because we’re the Fire Nation
Why am I like this, this weird uncomfortable amalgam of things that don’t fit this guy who doesn’t relate to anyone who is either nothing, out of place, or sad and never in between why have I told so many people that people can’t break when I know it’s a lie, why am I afraid of doppelgangers and plastic flowers. Because I’ve been normal and loved, and beaten for being different, because I cried when they stomped on a caterpillar so they held me down and stomped on me, because I want to be kind but I don’t want to be hurt, because I know people can be broken, because my genes are broken, because I’ve spent weeks alone dancing in hospitals, because it’s only a matter of time, because I’ve spent so much time thinking and alone, because eventually that does something to you, because I wish I was healthy, because I miss my dad, because laughing helps, because people will stare at the I.V. pole no matter what, because it’s better that you choose why they stare, because it’s my life, because if I’m a sideshow I’ll choose the act, because no one can make the choice for me, because I decided to kill myself when it was time a long time ago, because I don’t want to be forgotten, because imitations scare me, because I know I am one, because I’m sick and alone and I can’t find a reason to go on, because I hate looking in the mirror, because I decided to be something else, and because I’ll never be anything else, because all the jokes and cleverness in the world won’t make the cough go away, because I thought I was going to die once at an age when people shouldn’t, because the fever kept rising and they didn’t know why, because the convulsions wouldn’t stop and I just wanted it to stop hurting, because surrender is addicting, because fighting hurts, because eventually you’ll lose, because I’ve heard about a thousand miracle cures but only ever been promised an early death, because every single breath a take hurts, because it made me off, because I don’t know where the line, because everyone I’ve loved has left, because I’m calloused, because she cheated on me while I was at my dad’s funeral, because people don’t live by my standards, because I don’t set the standards, because someone hurting you doesn’t make them bad, because this isn’t a comic book and you can’t be angry at someone for trying to be happy, because I told myself that so much I just don’t care anymore, because I’m silly, because the best people are gone, because why would they stay, because love isn’t real and the world isn’t fair, because sometimes kids die, because sometimes kids think they’re going to die, because I’m a kid, because it’s been two decades and I still just want love, because the world is terrifying, because I don’t want to die alone, because I know that no matter who I’m with I will, because I want so desperately to find some kindness, because I’ve spent my whole life just hoping that I’m wrong.
ILLUMINATED CODE FROM SPACE
Bioartis Haari Tesla (behance) - "Macrocosm and microcosm is an ancient Greek Neo-Platonic schema of seeing the same patterns reproduced in all levels of the cosmos, from the largest scale (macrocosm or universe-level) all the way down to the smallest scale (microcosm or sub-sub-atomic or even metaphysical-level). In the system the midpoint is Man, who summarizes thecosmos." - I was doing some researches and I found experiment with miniatures of space so I decided to try my own. The result has been nebulae, galaxies and supernovae transformed into microorganism.